Mass Peristalsis “It’s All Gone to Sh*t” Tour Shirt

Forming in the mid 80’s, and being repelled by the pungent hate of black metal ideologies, four lads from Ässesplud, Norway began to cultivate a more swirling, liquid approach to dark thrash music, which they dubbed “brown metal.” Their churning rhythms and raw, crusty vocals immediately made people notice. “Their music was new, innovative, disturbing, and, to be honest, quite shocking.” their manager and staunch advocate, Jens Stenchussen stated. “They were like a proud, wet fart in an elevator. And they were eager to claim it.” And claim it they did.

From their humble beginnings playing crappy bars to sold out stadiums worldwide, the bandmates attributed their success to their solid friendship. Until it started to crumble.

“He felt like his shit didn’t stink,” drummer Asbjørn Arud said of lead singer Tejrd Furegüssen. “There’s no crazy story or anything-he just became a giant asshole.”

The band agreed on a split in 1992, but only after one last hurrah. The Bakenden Outdoor Music Festival in their hometown. It was there tragedy struck. “What a truly crappy way to die,” Emil Kampen, the band’s bass player said. “No one, not even Tejrd deserves to die that way.” After finishing their final set, the band commenced to drinking. Tejrd went to one of the communal port-a-lets, unaware of the group of drunken local bodybuilders looking to show off their feats of strength. “If they had placed the bathrooms at the base of the hill, he would still be with us today,” his father said in a statement.”It was such a tall hill. It just kept rolling. They said it just picked up speed and rolled right onto the highway. Right in the path of that semi. At least he died doing what he loved.” When pressed to explain precisely what he was referring to, the elder Furegüssen declined to comment.

The surviving members of the band all went their separate ways. Until a miracle. “In 2005 I got an email with a link to this 13 year-old kid on MySpace. He sang our old songs. He knew them all. And he was PERFECT. Exactly like Tejrd, but BETTER,” Stenchussen recalled.
His name was Fergus, and his mother claimed she was with Tejrd at that fateful festival. “He was the love of my life, even if we only knew each other for a few hours. I know if I had gone into the port-o-let with him like he wanted, our son wouldn’t be here. Music is a part of him. Just like his father.”

Fergus tried to shun the spotlight, finishing school and pursuing a career at a local fertilizer plant. But the call was too strong. In 2019 Mass Peristalsis got back together, with a new lead singer. “The lead vocalist is dead, long live the lead vocalist!” Jens proclaimed in a press release in October of the same year, announcing the upcoming world tour of the band. Slated for 2020, it had to be postponed because, as we all know, the world went to shit. The tour is on for the back half of 2021, and as new rock-god Fergus states, ”Yer gonna feel it rattle all the way through you. Prepare to be moved.”

We’re prepared, Fergus. Let’er RIP!